Life is short.

I'm not sure how to say any of this or what even I really want to post, but things are deteriorating hard and fast in my home life. My husband and I have talked about getting a divorce and that's really all I'm going to say until I have more of an idea about what's happening. I'd rather not say anything here that I would regret later. There was no single act that made me finally tell him I wasn't happy, but it's been 6 years of hardship and I finally realized that I'm just not that strong. I can't be strong enough for both of us anymore. I'm tired of always being the responsible one.

On Monday of last week we were having a fight about me getting a second job, which is a fight we've had before. His unemployment is going to run out, he hasn't gotten approved for disability yet, so that money is a long way off and I don't make enough to support us even with his unemployment. To support our household, we really need two jobs. If he isn't going to have a job, well that leaves me with getting a second job. The first time I brought it up he-get this-forbade me from doing so. It would be too damaging to his ego. "No wife of mine is going to have two jobs." Well then get off your ass and get a motherfucking job. Even while applying for disability you are allowed to earn up to $900 a month. Uhhhh... that would help! I would have thought the shame of me needing two jobs would be enough to motivate him, but no. So Monday, after realizing we had $24.00 to make it almost 2 weeks for two people, I brought it up again. He got all pissed and crazy and was screaming and told me to get out of his face. So I left and went to a friends house. I came home later that night but we didn't discuss anything. When I came home the next day, we started the same fight, since we never resolve anything because he finds grown-up conversations too upsetting. He'd rather ignore everything. So the fight starts up and this time he says, "I'm out of here." I basically said, don't come back. I hate to play childish games like that. If you leave, you better fucking mean it, or just calmly say that you need some time to think for a while and you're going to go cool off at a buddy's house. I can't deal with the drama queen shit.

After he left he stayed gone for 4 days and 5 nights, but then in a moment of total loneliness and weakness, I let him come home. I have taxes that have to be done that I need him for and his name is on the lease, so I can't really throw him out, but he knows that just because he is physically in the house, does not mean things are okay. It's weird because it isn't like I hate him. I'm just not happy and after 6 years, I don't ever see anything changing. We are who we are. I felt like after 6 years of eating shit, I am just all full. It was weird like I hit a brick wall. I was fine, fine, fine, then bam. I had a "what the fuck am I thinking" moment. It was like a switch got flipped inside me and my capacity to take his bullshit was maxed out. Sure it rocked his world, because in his mind, he's like, "What's the problem? I always act like this." And I'm thinking, that's the fucking problem. I feel dead inside. Used up. Like a hollow shell of the girl I used to be.

So basically this was the long way of saying, "I'm smoking again".